The boy who made all the wrong choices
by dougiecore
Summary: Dougie and Harry's relationship has gone in the wrong direction. Will Dougie be able to pick himself up and will they be able to sort it all out? Without getting too hurt...
1. Chapter 1

Title: The boy who made all the wrong choices  
>Written by: Michelle (dougiecore)<br>Pairing: PoynterJudd/FletcherPoynter  
>Warnings: violence, swearing, man on man action, alcohol ..<br>A/N: This is my very first story on here. I hope anyone who reads it will like it, and i LOVE reviews :) So enjoy.  
>Disclaimer: I own nothing but the story!<p>

_"Have you seen the way he acts sometimes_  
><em>And when you ask,<em>  
><em>he'll say that he's okay.<em>  
><em>Have you seen how well he pretends<em>  
><em>Laughs out loud,<em>  
><em>before he looks away<em>"

**Chapter 01.**  
>Dougie's point of view<p>

Tom's voice penetrated my head but I had finally learned how to shut out the words he said. His pointless sentences were the same ones every single morning and each day looked as the one that had passed by. He had the same routines – he'd wake up, get his cup of coffee and until ten he'd jam on his guitar and his piano. Trust me. I heard every single chord he'd play. The music room was just across the hallway, pretty near the room I had moved into.

Once he would be done with jamming our old songs he'd sigh and head into my room – his back bent as he leant down to pick old packages of cigarettes up into a garbage bag. Old cups with dry coffee on the bottom was put as a tower by the door, but I could swear the amount had grown less since the first day he did this.

He'd rant. Endlessly. About how unhealthy this was. How worried he was about me and how I had to go through the messages on my phone. According to him my mum had tried to reach me through my phone, as well as Danny had done. Fletch had fought to get in contact with me. And the messages had become a million since this first started.

After two days of getting constant calls from people that "supported me" and "loved me" I began to ignore my phone. I shut it off and let it lay far away from the bed I had made my home. I hadn't left the bed for well... it had to be a week at least.

"Dougie..." Tom sighed. He put away the garbages and sunk down on the edge of the bed. Reaching over, he stroked my blonde fringe out of my eyes. "I don't like seeing you this way," He looked into the depths of my eyes, searching them for emotions but I had become numb for far too long ago. "I love you, mate... This isn't easy..."

"You could just... leave my room and you'd have solved a part of your problem, eh? Or you could... throw me out or something," I sighed.

"I'd never throw you out," Tom stood up and tugged me out of bed, moved me out of my room and he dragged me downstairs with him into the living room. "Now, you and me... we're going to sit there in the sofa and we're going to watch that box that's called TV – if that's something you remember from the time you were once sociable?"

I shrugged. "I'm just not up for this, Tom, please..." I whimpered and tried to stand up. His warm hand wrapped around my wrist and I was pulled back down. "T-Tom, please stop this!"

"You sit there and I don't want to see you get up from this sofa one more time. If I say you have to be out of your room for a while and be down here, then you will obey and listen, and at least TRY to care about this. I don't want to lose control over you, okay? You're bloody fading away from me,"

Realizing I had no chance of getting away from Tom I ground my teeth together before looking at the package of cigarettes in his hand. I chewed on my lower lip as I stared at them, seeing him move them as a sign he had discovered how my attention had been drawn to them.

"Can I have one?" I asked and reached out a hand for the package. "Give it to me,"

He pulled it back, out of my reach. "Nuh huh. Just one,"

"I might as well take the entire pack, Tom, just give it to me!" I shouted and tried to once again snatch it from him. "Tom, this isn't funny, just fucking give them to me! I don't want only one. I want them all! I'm going to smoke them all anyway!"

One of his hands came against my chest. Defeated I sat back and exhaled tiredly. "One, Dougie, and that is it for the rest of the day. You'll kill yourself with all these cigarettes. The amount of cigarettes you smoke in the run of one day is just insane. I'm scared, man, I really am"

It had never been my intentions to worry or scare anyone. But really, there was no way I could ever help getting into this. Half of it wasn't my fault – I didn't even know what I had done to deserve feeling the way I did. Slowly I was dying from the inside out. A part of me didn't even want to live anymore – treating myself the way I did would kill me slowly, so why would Tom just ruin it through trying to take care of me?

I took one cigarette from him and sighed. "Will you go with me outside?" I asked, receiving a small nod from Tom. He stood up, took my hand and helped my weakened body up. "Shit..." A small curse fled past my lips and I put a hand on my head as I wobbled into Tom's body.

"Doug?"

"Just... Just f-feeling a bit dizzy,"

One of Tom's muscled arms snuck behind my back and I felt his hand land on my hip, his free hand placed on my arm closest to his body. "Come on, a bit of fresh air will do you good, but you'll have to put that poison stick away,"

Outside, Tom helped me sit down on the stairs. His strong arms wrapped around me and I laid my head against his cheek, snuggling into his body for the first time in a long, long time. Silence laid upon us, free from awkwardness. I didn't have to say anything, Tom asked me no questions, neither did he say anything that wound me up or upset me, got me worked up. We just sat there in silence as I forced the chilly air down my lunges. It was hard... because that fucking part of me which didn't want to live anymore tried to stop me from breathing.

"Come on, better get back in before you'll freeze," Tom murmured and he helped me up on my feet again. I was led back in, placed in the sofa and he tucked me down under a couple of his warm blankets. "I'll go and make you a cup of hot chocolate. You're in no state for cigarettes or coffee,"

There wasn't the slightest ounce of energy in me to put up a fight against the blonde. I wasn't strong enough to do anything – and I could guess it had been the lack of movement during the past weeks which had made me react this way to being out of bed, out of my room... moving... talking... being alive. I hadn't been "alive" for such a long time, several weeks and now all of a sudden Tom made me use my limbs. I'd been forced to move, use my legs which had laid tangled into each other under my duvet in the bed without moving.

"There you go," Tom said as he put the mug down on the table. A small tear tricked down my cheek as I discovered which mug it was... "Oh..." Obviously Tom had seen on me how I had reacted to the mug. "Do you want me to change it?"

I shook my head. "No... No, it's not needed"

"By the way... Harry and Danny are coming over tonight, just for some dinner and a chat, if that's alright with you?" I saw how Tom looked rather hopeful, as if he saw on me that I would say no to this. I didn't want anyone to come over... I'd promised Tom I'd stay in his house in case it would be him and me only, no one else. "Doug? Please..."

"D-Do they have to? Harry hates me... Do you really have to torture me with having him over?" I grumbled.

"Dougie... He doesn't hate you. Harry would never hate you! That's just lies..."

I frowned and sat up, pulling far away from the blonde. "I knew you didn't believe when I told you about what happened. You swore you believed me, that you'd never call me a liar – but guess what? This is basically you calling me a liar. I told you something that was very private to me, something which was a very sensitive subject to me and you just went there and screwed me over with your 'honest' words about how sad you were because of me. You said you felt my pain, you knew how it was for me. But no... all of it was only bullshit, right?"

"Doug, don't do this, okay? I never lied to you. I believed your every word and I still do. I know you're hurt and I understand you, but Harry doesn't hate you – he has said it himself. He's sorry for what happened, okay? I wish the two of you would just put it behind you and move on. You were best mates, how on earth do you cope living without him and the friendship between the two of you? Don't you feel as if life's rather empty? Something must have gone wrong since all that drama, seeing as you're living a rather odd life at the moment – or you feel as if this is entirely correct and normal? Because it's not" Tom's voice was pleading, desperate and tired. He'd only just begun with this hell and he was already tired and near defeated. It wasn't long until I would have won a battle, my first win... but I choose to remain slightly in the shadows... continuing to wait for the right moment for me to strike.

"You don't know all the things he said to me," I whimpered, suddenly having memories washing over me like a big ocean. I didn't want to drown in them. I didn't even want to remember... but I guessed this was always going to haunt me.

I really didn't want to remember what had happened... My priority was to just try to find a way of erasing the memories. I wanted them out of my head, far away from me, leaving me forever. But at night when I laid in my bed and tried to fall asleep... they'd come out and they tortured me into tears. I whispered his name. Leaving my mouth his name was dripping with hate... because a part of me hated him for what he had done, for all the problems he had caused, for all the consequences.

"It doesn't matter, Dougie. You choose to not tell me everything. You'll be okay, they will come over and you won't be damaged from it," Tom muttered before he left me alone to wallow in hatred. I didn't truly hate Tom. Neither did I truly hate Harry. I was just in such a bad mental state I began feeling hatred for how Harry had made me feel.

***


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 02.  
><strong>Dougie's point of view

_"Why can't you just realize what you've done?"_

_"Well it ain't a mistake, I know that!"_

Their voices went straight through the door, my barrier that I had put up. Danny's laughing voice haunted me, but not as bad as that gorgeous voice asking Tom what we'd have for dinner. Tom replied Harry, but then everything went quiet. Not another word could be heard from outside. This had me relaxing and I turned in my bed, drawing the duvet tighter around me as I buried my head in the soft pillow. My eyes shut, all I could really do was to try and fall asleep – that way time would pass by faster, and hopefully I'd get a moment of peace.

I couldn't seem to fall asleep though. The sound of a door opening had me tensing bad enough for me to feel as if my skin would burst due to tension pulling it, stretching it though the limit had already, long ago, been crossed. Holding my breath I tried to imagine I was alone, when I knew I wasn't. Fear of being right about the identity of the person had me grinding my two rows of teeth together, anger pouring into my veins.

Suddenly I sat up and I caught him off guard by the door, trying to close it without me noticing.

"How could you?" I screamed at him. He jumped a bit, spinning around to face me.

"Dougie-," he tried, holding his hands up in a way to try and defend himself.

"And how can you just come here and think everything's alright? You've got no idea how fucking hurt I've been! Get the fuck out of my room!"

"If you'd just shut up and listen to me! I don't think anything is alright in this moment! I've known that things have been wrong for a long, long time!" As he raised his voice he marched over to the bed, sat down on the edge of it and stared at me with fire in those once gorgeous eyes. I saw a lot of frustration and desperation in them, as well as it was covering his flawless face. "I'm sorry about everything I did and everything I said, alright? I never meant for this to happen. Losing McFLY was bad enough, but hearing from Tom how you're fading away is wrecking me entirely, it's breaking my heart. I never meant for you to sink like a fucking ship"

"I'm fine. I don't need your fucking sympathy, Harry, just get the fuck up from my bed and leave, yeah? I don't want to see your face ever again," I growled and kicked at him. He grabbed a hold of my ankles, yanking me further down. I struggled as he suddenly climbed onto me to hold me still, teeth grit together as he leant down, face inches away from mine. "If you touch me... I swear to God I will call the police,"

"As much as I loved touching you back then, I wouldn't ever do it again. All I want right now is your bloody attention, and obviously I need to properly show and tell you that I am here, right now, in this moment, and there isn't any chance I'm leaving until I've had a chat with you,"

I gave him the darkest glare I could ever master, struggled and began to try and push at his chest to make him leave, resulting in his hands snaking around my wrists so he could pin them above my head.

"I'll scream for Tom," I growled and kicked with my legs. "Get off, Harry, just get off!"

"Tom won't believe you – I told him I'd head up here to sort you out, because he's really worried about you,"

"I'm fine! I was fine until you came here!" I shouted.

Harry frowned and leant closer to me.

"Your anger won't get you far. I won't tell you I want you back and all those things, because I don't know yet, but I'll tell you this; you need help, really. Tom's told me and Dan what's been going on with you and it doesn't sound good, actually didn't think it was that bad, when we all took a long break from the band. But obviously it is and yeah, again; I'm sorry about everything."

"You humiliated me on stage, you used me and then you hurt me! You didn't even realize all the harm you had done! I wouldn't want you back for all the money in the world, Harry. As much as I still love you... I'd never take you back"

I saw the muscles in his jaw tense as he was gritting his teeth, breathing heavily as if he didn't like my words the slightest.

"I apologized for all I did – then why does all this shit keep happening between us? I really did love you, Dougie. I never meant for us to end up like this. I've never ever dreamt of speaking to you the way I just did, and I never dreamt of having to hear you say like that to me. Danny said that if I apologized you would take me back,"

"Danny's not right very often, if you hadn't noticed,"

"But he's got some experience when it comes to relationships," Harry hissed before he got off me. He stood up on the floor and walked around the room. "Where do you hide the booze and where do you keep your cigarettes?"

"It is none of your business, besides – the alcohol's not a problem. You could ask Tom, he'd agree with me,"

"Well right now I don't care what Tom says or thinks. If you won't tell me where you keep your stuff I'll find them myself. I'll go through your drawers, your closet and even search under your bed. I won't stop until I've found it all," Harry sighed and he began his mission. He dug through my closet, turning upside down on pretty much everything, causing a mess I knew Tom would end up sorting out because I wouldn't do it once Harry was finished.

"Harry, stop it!" I shouted. I knew he was getting closer and closer to my stock as he went through my corner where I had my bass-guitars and amps. Hurriedly I forced myself out of bed and grabbed a hold of him, tugged at his shirt and arms in attempt of making him stop. He was too determinated though, pushing me away as he grabbed the bag of alcohol.

"Where's the cigarettes?" asked his husky voice. In a movement he turned and pushed me towards the bed. "Get off me and answer the bloody question,"

"Harry, quit it, okay? You're in no charge of me. You don't bloody care about me so why bother doing this? It's pointless! You have no right to go through my stuff!" I shouted with tears in my eyes. Once again, as I approached him, he pushed me back and this time with force enough to bring me to the floor in such a violent move I lost my breath the second I crashed against the hard floor.

He basically crushed me with his gaze. His lower lip curled, twitched and he hissed a few words at me before he managed to find the few packages of cigarettes I kept hidden among my shoes.

"You need to make some changes, Dougie. You know why? Because if you won't make some changes you will end up in a madhouse. You don't want that and I know it. If you keep going on like this you will lose your mind eventually and they will have to escort you to a place like that in a fucking straightjacket. You will go insane"

Breathing got terribly hard. I clutched at the edge of the bed while staring at him with wide and frightened eyes. There were no signs of him regretting what he had just said, he only held the bag harder in his hands before he left the room with big marching steps. That's when the sobs began to rip through me, thoughts wondering 'why?' running through my head. What had I done wrong enough for Harry to become such a enemy to me? He'd once been my best mate... and there was no denying that through all the time we had known each other I'd had a crush on him... I loved Harry more than a friend, my feelings for him were deep.

Harry had known... he had known all along... and he had responded very well to all of my emotions. He'd treated me like a prince. Until one day... that day I'd never forget.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 03.**  
><em>Dougie's point of view<em>

"Dougie?"

Automatically my eyes closed at the sound of Tom's deep voice along with the sound of a door closing behind him. My senses shut off, the barrier I had put up fell immediately when he sat down on the edge of the bed. Slowly he removed the duvet from my face and sighed once he spotted all the fresh tears I had along my cheeks. I could literally see his heart break and despite mine had already been broken time after time... it broke once again.

"What happened earlier?" he asked. I exhaled deeply and a small sob fled past my lips. "Don't keep it in, Dougie, just don't. It will do you no good,"

"You s-shouldn't have let them over..." I muttered tearfully. "It only m-made things way worse than they wore b-before!"

"I have a feeling that's the case, yeah. But what happened?" The blonde leant closer so he could move the fringe out of my eyes. His deep, sad chocolate brown eyes gazed far into mine – before I knew it I shuffled closer to him and snuck my head onto his lap. He shifted and made us comfortable, nearly dragged me further onto his lap and a pair of strong and gentle arms came around me for protection.

"H-Harry really h-hates me.."

Tom sighed. "He doesn't hate you. I saw he had taken all your alcohol and your cigarettes, which means he cares about you and wants you to stop ruining yourself. This is self destruction, Doug. You're so deep into this pit of darkness you're just falling apart. The booze is a tool. Each cigarette steals a bit of your life and makes you ill. I'm really afraid of losing you and so is both Harry and Danny. Danny's really sad McFly is over... and if you would've been alright we could've sorted everything out and given the band another chance. While you're not okay... it's not possible. Your health goes first,"

I whimpered and looked upon his face. "T-Tom... he d-doesn't care. He hates me"

Hushing me he shuffled so he sat with his back against the headboard of my bed, drew the duvet over me and he shook his head slowly while looking at me with sadness in his eyes. "I wish the two of you had solved everything before it was too late for the band. Then we all would've still been best mates,"

"I-I miss the Harry I once k-knew…" I whispered. "I don't k-know what to do to c-change this… I'm so sorry…"

Tom kissed at my head and rubbed a gentle hand up and down my arm, motioning me closer to him. I sat pressed into his body and trembled due to how I was right now just falling apart mentally. I couldn't drop all the thoughts of Harry. After all that had happened between us… I finally realized I missed him and I still loved him. I was afraid that things would stay this way and we'd never be the best friends we had once been.

The time in McFly had been the best time of my life. Together with Harry I had ruined it. Somehow I just couldn't take the blame on myself, as I knew he had been involved. He'd had a huge part in it all.

"Dougie, if you will just let me help you then I'm sure we can somehow work this out, we'll take it in baby steps and get Harry involved in this. If we work through all the things that happened and get to the point where we ask the question 'why did this happen?' then I'm sure the two of you can get a somehow normal friendship again. But that'll need you to try," Tom sighed. I doubted his plan. I didn't like it very much, even if I actually wanted to sort things out with Harry – the issue was my fear. I was afraid he'd laugh at Tom's idea and reject me even more.

I didn't reply Tom. He looked at me – it was the tears in his eyes that made me shut up entirely. The pain was getting stronger, realization hitting me… Tom really got hurt by the way I lived. He said I lived an odd life and destroyed myself, maybe he was right… Maybe I'd one day die through all of this, in case I didn't attempt to change my life back to how it was before.

I sighed. "What am I going to do?"

"Try," Tom whispered. "You need to try and sort it out. You need to try and not be in bed all day long. You need to try and not drink alcohol when things get too much, as well as you need to cut down on the cigarettes… What you need is to eat properly, be healthy, just like you were when we were on tour,"

At first I tried. I tried to wake up at a reasonable time of the day, met Tom outside my room and I struggled to head down to the kitchen with him for breakfast. The first day went well – I ate, then I helped Tom tidy the house. We had a surprisingly good time together, as we later ended up in the sofa to watch a movie together. In the evening I fell asleep in his room, after a short jamming session. It had been a struggle for me to remember how to play my bass the way I had done months back, but with help from Tom we managed to even write half of a song.

I'd never forget the proud look on Tom's face, and his glittering eyes, clearly telling me he was satisfied with how things had gone.

But the day after that… I was such a mess I didn't see nor think clearly. I couldn't sleep during the night, and after a short hours light sleep I woke up to the sound of Tom's voice. I remember how he asked me to get out of bed and join him for a morning walk. It had to be rather early in the morning. I didn't even have the energy to get out of my bed and once Tom began pleading me to get out of it I lost the little temper I had right then, shouted and cursed at him, made sure he was told lies of how much I hated him, how I wanted him to disappear from my life and let me waste away.

Through it all I could actually see the fear on his face. The situation was a discomforting one and most of all it looked as if he just wanted it to end. As well as I wanted it to end, deep inside my heart was breaking due to how I spoke to him, the way I made him feel as if he was worth absolutely nothing.

I tumbled down the stairs, stumbling over my own feet as I burst through the front door - only to seconds later have Tom throwing himself over me. We both crashed to the harsh ground. I could feel how the skin on my cheek tore open and a bit of blood came from the scratch.

"Dougie, stop screaming, please!" he shouted. While he wrestled me down I heard how he panicked dug for his mobile phone, dialing a number and the words 'Fletch, please come over!' came from his mouth - the panic in his voice was very evident to me, but it didn't stop me from screaming and crying how I wanted to die, how I wanted to be rid of all the pain I was feeling.

My insides were ripped apart, my heart, any other organ. I had exploded and in the process of falling apart in a way that would prevent me from ever being able to be repaired. Tom could fall for all help he'd be able to think of, but no one would be able to save me. They could grip me, leave hand marks imprinted on my sensitive, burning skin. They could toss me around while wrestling me in attempt of stopping me from being a whirlwind ripping through the area - but nothing would save me.

I laid pretty much motionless on the ground with rain pouring down on us when Fletch's car pulled up and came to a hasty halt by Tom's house. I saw blurred shapes of Danny, Fletch and Harry fall out of the vehicle, quickly running to Tom's side.

"H-He lost it… F-Fletch help him…" cried the former guitarist and he let his head fall onto my chest, face down. I had no energy to once again fight him off. I had already given up and now all I could do was to try to pull through this hell. Fletch would obviously lecture me, try to make me understand what the hell I was doing. I didn't know what it was… I didn't know what I did wrong.

"Move, Tom, let me get him up so we can bring him inside. Danny, go and bring some warm blankets, and something hot to drink, into the living room so we can tuck him down in the sofa. We need a serious chat about this, boys," Fletch's voice was harsh, stern, but I could also hear his concern. It was a bit unbelievable to me how they were concerned about me - I wasn't worth anything. I'd made so many mistakes in my life and the way they actually struggled with me… Harry didn't say a single word though while I was brought up from the cold, wet ground and brought inside. I felt as if he was a bit in the background, keeping himself away while Fletch took care of me.

Tom removed my wet clothes. Danny wrapped me into warm blankets and he turned up the heat inside the room. Fletch struggled his best to make me drink the tea Danny had hurried to cook - but no matter how badly I wanted to actually drink it I closed my eyes, whimpered and turned my face away. His tone was tired as he asked me several times to open my mouth and drink. I couldn't. It felt so wrong.

"Harry… could you take over while I'll go and make a phone call?" Fletch asked. If I would have had some energy left inside of my body I would have struggled at the sound of this. As I opened my eyes I saw Harry slowly make his way towards me and he took the cup and the tea spoon from Fletch. Those strong drummer hands were trembling. He nearly looked terrified as he sat down on the edge of the coffee table, eyes landing on my face.

"I…" he began, stumbling on his words. "Can you not just let me take care of you now? Forget all our issues. What matters now is your health,"

I ended up obeying him. I parted my lips and let him feed me the tea. All the time he took care of me I suffered, because I wished he would have done this because he wanted to, not because he had to. I didn't want Harry's attention this way. This wasn't the way things had been meant to end up. Harry had meant the world to me and now he just tried to take care of me because he had been told to do it. His words… well I didn't care about them, my health didn't matter to him and I knew it. He had been lying to me.

Eventually I pushed his hand away and turned my face to look at the wall instead. I heard Harry sigh as he took a hold of my hand, giving it a squeeze which had me wrecked into pieces, silently crying my heart out. "H-Harry stop…" I whispered.

"Doug, please," he sighed. "Don't do this to yourself, for Christ sake,"

"G-Go away…"

Harry tugged harshly at me, turning me so I faced him. His eyes were as deep as as the Seven Seas. I was gazing into something endless, and the emotions were some I couldn't put a title on. Clearly he was about to speak, but no words came past his lips that occasionally parted slightly, making him end up looking like a gold fish struggling to breathe, brought out of the water. He just swallowed his words, and the courage to speak as well. It made me curious to what he had been about to say.

"Harry…" I whispered weakly and bit down on my lower lip. "I can't d-do this anymore. I-I miss having you a-as a friend,"

"We're still friends, aren't we?" he snapped harshly and gave me a slight glare. I trembled in his hands by now, pleadingly gazing at him as I wished he would just let me go and leave. But I had no time to say anything before Fletch showed up again, sitting down next to Harry on the coffee table. My focus drifted off to someone else though… and my heart broke at the sight of that blonde man standing a bit away, arms wrapped around himself as Danny caressed his back, whispering in his ear that things would be sorted. Tom's eyes were full of tears, cheeks lined with dry tears, they were red and sore - just a simple evidence of all the tears he had obviously shed.

"Danny," Fletch called. "Be a gentleman and head up to back Dougie's bag,"


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 04.**  
><strong>Dougie's point of view<strong>

_"Everyone, say hi to my boyfriend, Harry Judd!" I shouted in the microphone and glanced back at the satisfied drummer. He grinned wickedly, stood up and gave me a better view of his fit body. A smirk covered his gorgeous face as he grabbed the microphone by his drum kit and spoke._

_"Such a princess, isn't he?" he grinned. "You lot have no idea what I am going to do with him once we leave the stage, but it ain't going to be pretty. It's going to be hot, messy and loud,"_

_I blushed furiously, not able to handle this. I'd agreed on joking on stage, but this had just been taken too far. I hadn't even got started with my bit, only said a few words and he'd already leaked pretty much everything. He'd said things I wished he hadn't said. The fans would obviously love the information, and see it as a joke, but I knew it was true. I knew that what he had said… would happen the second we'd head off the stage._

_As he carried on speaking of what he would do to me I shut myself off. I stood numb by the microphone stand and wished for it all to be over. The cheering from the crowd was something I could no longer hear - all I had in my head was the sound of my heart pounding, my breathing becoming heavier, how I was struggling to get some of the hot air down my throat. Glancing back I saw Harry still smirking at me… and looking to my side I saw Tom and Danny stand there. Tom had noticed my sudden mood change, the worry was evident in his brown eyes, he even put his guitar aside, ready to head over to me, but once he began walking I had already thrown my bass to the side and ran off the stage._

_"Dougie!" shouted Fletch and he made sure some of the crew blocked my way._

_I pushed at them, panicked. "Let me go! Let me out!" I shouted, but ended up defeated on the floor. My hands went onto my face, tears streaming down my sore cheeks as Fletch and our tour manager Tommy were soon by my side. "I-I need to get out of here…"_

_"Ssh, Dougie, just relax. I know Harry took it beyond limits and I will make sure to talk to him about it once the concert is done. But right now I need you to sort yourself out and get back on stage to finish the show," Fletch said with a soft tone. Tommy rubbed a hand up and down my back, making sure I remained calm. "Could you do it?"_

_"They probably think I'm disgusting… t-they all know I'm g-gay… now everyone knows…" I whispered helplessly as I thought of all the writings that would turn up on the internet. All sorts of magazines would write about it and have it published as soon as possible._

_"Dougie, drop those thoughts. The fans won't think your disgusting. If you're gay, then you're gay. You shouldn't be worried about the fans and their opinions," Tommy said with a sad sigh following. He shook his head, gazing into my eyes. "You'll be fine once you get back up on stage and do your thing. Don't think about what's happened. We will all sort it out once we're back at the tour bus, okay? You'll be fine, Doug,"_

_Tommy and Fletch helped me up, wiped my tears away and they motioned me back to the stage. As I stepped on it I tried to avoid looking at the crowd, grabbed my bass and I prepared to get started again. I froze though, the sound of Harry calling out for me to get my attention freezing me all the way into the bone. Thickly I swallowed, telling myself that if I put all of my focus on my instrument I wouldn't be further hurt, instead I'd get through the rest of the gig and I'd be able to flee from the stage and hide in my bunk bed in the tour bus. I was afraid of the chat Fletch wanted to have with us… I knew I'd end up freaking out entirely. I would lose control - and that was the worst thing I could end up doing._

_In the tour bus I did as I had planned. I ran for my bunk bed, curled up under the duvet and pressed all three pillows over my head. I held my breath, hearing through the soft material how Fletch called out for me. Not a single movement did I allow myself to make. Frozen I laid there, wishing they'd all just go away._

_But no… not long after hearing my name be called out, the pillows were removed and I soon faced Tommy's concerned face._

_"Dougie, we need to sort this out. I can see how this is torturing you already," he said._

_"Yeah, exactly, it's torturing me. Then you should all just leave me alone!" I whimpered with crying in my throat. "I just don't want to talk about it. Harry's allowed to say whatever he wants to say, then let him humiliate me,"_

I gazed down at the bag standing by my side, then turned my gaze up on Fletch who stared at the big mansion looking house before our eyes.

"Well…" he sighed.

I shuffled on the spot, twisting and turning with discomfort. "It won't help me. I have no addiction. They will all just laugh at me,"

"No, no one will laugh at you, Dougie. These people are going to help you. Just because it's rehab doesn't mean you have to be addicted to drugs, you've got issues with other things and they will help you sort it all out. They will patch you up,"

"They're not able to heal a broken heart. You know why I'm feeling the way I do. It's not exactly any secret because it's all just been leaked and explained. You saw me that night. You heard Harry. You heard and saw our fight a few days later. And I'm sure Tom's not been able to keep his fat mouth shut," I growled and kicked at the bag. "I don't NEED rehab!"

"You need help, Dougie. You've become a lot worse than you were that night on tour. And with your condition worsening you know I'll always end up involved. I might not be your manager anymore, but I've treated you and seen you like a son for the last couple of years. You owe me some respect, Dougie. I want you to try this and take it serious. Let them help you, or at least try to let them help you. If they will put an effort in it then you will have to do it as well - simple as that,"

Fletch had taken to the drastic of phoning a rehab center in London. He'd told them my story and background, being given the reply that he could bring me there after the weekend. Tom had gone with us to say goodbye to me even though it was only for a couple of weeks I'd stay there - but he had done it in case I wouldn't be allowed to see any of them until I was out again. I hadn't even been allowed to say goodbye to Harry, they'd said it was for my best since he was a triggering part of what I would get help for. A part of me had really wanted to say goodbye to him and get a hug… but I guessed it was better the way they had planned. So far I hadn't really struggled to stop them from doing this to me, as I knew that in the beginning all I could do was to try and cooperate… it would hurt less.

Fletch escorted me through the gates and towards the building - nerves were growing inside of me, the tears were getting closer, probing on the back of my eyes, begging for me to release them. I wouldn't break though. I would show them. I would prove to them that I didn't need this, that no help was necessary. So far I had got through this hell. I was still alive. I hadn't been close to dying so why put me in a rehab centre?

Trembling took over my body the second Fletch pulled open the door and we were faced by a little room with a booth where a young woman sat. She raised her gaze, giving me a warm smile as she saw me. But I stopped. I felt paralyzed, unable of taking another step into the place. The fear was choking me, invincible hands wrapped around my throat to kill me slowly, my eyes began feeling as if they were about to pop out of my bloody skull. All I wanted was to fall to the floor, curl up in foster position and keep myself safe from the world.

Right now I stood vulnerable and exposed, ready to be murdered. Everyone could see me. Everyone could see I was a simple celebrity who had ended up in rehab - magazines and newspapers would find out about this, because let's face it... despite the failure of McFly the media was still hungry for news about us. And I'd be the first victim...

"Dougie Poynter?" she asked and stood up with a clipboard of papers in her slim hands. I looked nervously at Fletch who sighed.

"Don't even pretend you've forgot who you are," he muttered before he turned his attention towards the young lady. "Yes, this is Dougie,"

"Alright, I'll show you to your room and let you get settled. Once you're in there just take your time and I'll come back in a few hours before it's time for your first session with your therapist. You'll get to discuss the treatment with him and be sure you do know why you are here," she shortly explained, leading us through corridors.

The place didn't look cold, the colours of the walls were warm ones, frames decorated them and flowers in different sizes of pots stood placed out - I had expected something a lot worse, like a lunatic asylum or something. But me admitting it wasn't as bad as I thought... definitely didn't mean that I would accept this once a few days had gone. I'd make sure to show and prove to them that I wasn't happy with being in this hell-hole.

_"How did you get in?"_

_Harry smirked and pushed me through the door to my bedroom. It closed behind him while he pinned me up against the wall, body pressed close to mine._

_"I let myself in with the spare key of course. I thought you knew I still had it,"_

_"Well you usually phone me before you come over..." I muttered and tried to push him back. "You're crushing me,"_

_"Am I that big?"_

_My eyes squinted as I glared dangerously at him, trying to knee him in the gut so he would remove himself from shutting me in. He didn't move though. I failed, again. The discomfort I felt in this tight situation was one I wanted to get rid of quicker than anything. My gut feeling told me that things would get worse, ending up terrible. Something in Harry's eyes told me that he wasn't here because he __wanted to hang out or cuddle... no... he had other things in mind._

_"Harry, please, could you move away so I could at least have access to breathing? You're choking me, man!" I growled at him, hands pushing at his toned chest that was hidden by a T-shirt. Another feeling told me this had to do with the gig a few nights back... he had still not forgot about what happened. I was aware of how angry he had been when Fletch had tried to speak to him about what had happened. He was still a little angry and now it would most likely be taken out on me._

"Dougie?" Fletch said through the clouds of thinking that had blocked the clear part of my mind. Suddenly I had to sit before I would've blackened out entirely, bringing Fletch with me down as he gripped my arms. "Come on, son, try to get back up and take a deep breath,"

"I-I can't... F-Fletch, just let me go home!"

He held onto me, didn't let me go as I tried to rip out of his hands. At first his grip had been gentle, but with time passing by and with me beginning to slowly panic and disappear into the world of miserable emotions he had to tighten it.

A part of me wanted to scream at him how he was hurting me, how he was holding me hard enough to really hurt me, but I knew that he wasn't hurting me... it was just my mind trying to play stupid games with me, trying to put Fletch in a bad light. Of course I knew he was only trying to help me... Yet, somehow I really didn't want his help. I could do fine on my own. I'd go home and sleep until I passed away.

"Doug..." he tried, fighting to face me. I turned my face away every single time he nearly got a good view of it. "Dougie, look at me and please listen,"

"N-No! Just let me g-go home... I just w-want to go home..."

"You'd rather be at home with Tom, getting worse, than you'd stay here for a couple of weeks and be patched up?" I nodded quickly. Fletch gave me a frown and tried to haul me up from the polished floor. "You need help, Dougie, and soon you'll realize that this was for the better, and not for the worse. You will be fine. Just give this a chance. Get up from the floor and take a look at your room. I'll make sure to try and come over here once in a while and visit you so you won't feel lonely,"

Hyperventilating I kept shaking my head at him, whimpering as I quietly asked him to let me go - how hard could it be? He just had to release the grip he had on me... all he had to do was to let me go and I'd be alright. I'd be okay if I got my will through... why couldn't he realize it? It was really all I asked for...

"F-Fletch... p-please..." I whispered. "Please l-let me go home..."

Without a single warning the man wrapped his arms around me and held me tightly in his embrace. I shook in his arms. Tears were constantly running down my pale cheeks and I desperately clutched at the back of Fletch's jacket. I couldn't help but cling to him, helpless as I was. My life was falling off the edge of a cliff... and I didn't know how to stop it all from happening. All I wanted was to run home... when I deep inside knew that it wasn't the answer to everything. Running gave no result. Yet it was clearly the easiest way out.

The man wiped my tears away from my cheeks, gazing deeply into my eyes.

"This is a chance for you to heal. Imagine... Dougie... if you got through this, if you'd take this chance and heal, then you'd have a chance to once again be in McFly. If you heal, we could build the band back up and you'd go back to your old life, but much stronger this time, and you'd get to live your dream and take it higher. I know you were happy in McFly, with that life, playing gigs and meeting the fans, getting to do what you loved the most. You and Harry could become good friends again and everything would be great again,"

Chewing on my lip I let the words melt into my head, settling. A great part of me wanted for those words and sentences to become reality, as Fletch was right. McFly had been the best thing happening in my life and I wished things had still been the way they were before. I missed the music business.

"I-I want Harry back..." I whispered into Fletch's chest and let him help me back up on my feet - my legs were wobbling. They were so unsteady Fletch had to hold a tight and firm grip on me to keep me from crashing back down on the floor. "I m-miss the o-old Harry s-so much..."

"I know, Doug, I know you want him back. And I know he wants you back as well. But to get each other back... both of you has got quite a few changes to do. Harry has got to drop his new-found attitude and you have got to get on the right track of and with life. If you will not take this chance and get your life sorted out and built up again then the two of you will get nowhere. Tommy and I are going to team up and talk to Harry about making those changes. I'm sure he's ready to do it for you,"

I shook my head with disagreement. "He's said it himself... he doesn't want me back. He won't take me back,"

"That is nonsense, Dougie, and you know it," Fletch moved me, made me follow the nurse who continued walking towards the room which would be mine during my stay here. I strained against a bit, struggling weakly to turn our direction and flee back to the car, but Fletch was strong enough (or I was just weak enough...) to win over me. "Come on now, you can do this,"

They'd given me a room with a great view. The walls were painted in a rather soft, but still slightly dark colour. I was slightly stunned by the big bed. It was a rather simple room, but still it made me feel slightly relaxed inside. I wasn't very happy with it though... I wanted to go home. It was the only thing I had in my mind... the desperation to go home.

"What do you think?" Fletch asked. I shrugged and turned in his grip, managed to twist out of it and I sunk down on the edge of the bed. Releasing a heavy sigh I scanned the surroundings once more.

"Will Tom be allowed to come over?" I asked, eyes landing on the nurse.

For a second it looked as if she was preparing an answer, but as she swallowed her words again I knew what she had been about to say.

"Well... we usually don't allow visitors. This stay is all about you getting back up on your legs. Visitors could destroy your recovery, the plan. Which is why I'd suggest you won't see anyone except your therapist until you leave. They can come to pick you up on your final day, but until then... visitors is a no"

Feelings of loneliness crept into my system. A part of me wanted to just shut myself off, but simply I only wrapped my arms around myself, beginning to nervously and awkwardly chew on the inside of my lower lip. How could they do this to me? How could they stop me from seeing my best mate?

I knew I had been lacking of respect towards Tom lately, but that didn't stop me from actually knowing how hew had been fighting for me the last couple of weeks, if not even months. He'd taken care of me when I needed someone to take care of me... he had given me a place to stay when I had ended up incapable of keeping my own flat. He'd fed me... until the day I couldn't even stand the sight of food. And he'd given me a warm embrace to sit in when I needed it... until the day I decided to just stay in bed until I would hopefully fade away into nothingness.

Tom was my best mate... and I needed him.


End file.
